Deffinition of Fascist:
often Fascist An advocate or adherent of fascism.
A reactionary or dictatorial person.
But here is my definition of it really. I hope I dont miss use the word. Ok here is the kicker for the word. I cant find the definition in the Webster Dictionary. Yikes huh?? Well anyway there is a point to this banter of shit I have here. I have a lot on my mind today and I am going to start with some men I know in general ok. No men on my blog roll but people I know personnally. Ok... LOL..
Starting with whom I think is a total fascist is our Pastor. He is trying to Jeff that if we dont continue going to church we are going to Hell. Well guess what Jeff and I havent gone to church in over a month again now. And also according to that factor we were going to go anyway because we dont live the lives that these people live anyway. Always praying and doing something wrong and realizing that its wrong and trying to get the holy ghost. Yes I know we were both baptized but life has been even harder on both of us since then. I am not going to go into a religion thing again. We are both comfortable with how we dress to go and what not but also what pisses me off about people like Pastor Fraser is that when you are asked to do something either say yes or no. Well Pastors mother was sick and they werent sure when she was going to go and as I have mentioned before Laura is getting married on Saturday and she had me ask if Pastor would mind doing the Wedding. So I called him and asked him and he talked to her and told her to call his wife and they would set up a couple of times to meet and talk and such like marriage counsiling before the wedding. Well he kept coming up with reasons why he couldnt do it.
I just wish if you cant do something please tell a person up front please. I hate when a person Hem and Hahs about it. I have to admit I am no better sometimes but if I am not sure what we are doing I will do it till I figure it out but after I figure it out then I tell that person straight up what is going on. Well Pastors mother passed away Wednesday afternoon. She went into a coma and never woke up. Like I told Pastors daughter when she told me at least being in a coma she wasnt in as much pain as she was before the coma. Am I really that cold hearted or am I just to truthful with people??
Now on to other things in life. Jeff and I got into a huge fight on Friday night about something. I dont want to mention what exactly the fight was in case he reads this. Sometimes he goes in with me to check a video. Well anyway things got heated and he threatened to leave. Well of course I cant make him stay with me. So I started asking questions like if want to leave Why did you marry me and I may be slightly depressed. Call this what you want. I dont know anymore. I was feeling all weekend like a piss pore mother and other things. Nothing he said its just how I felt. I mean I can be hard on the girls but if they dont something and I am to hard and he questions me and then when they do, do something I an not hard enough and he questions me. I just dont get it. I felt like all weekend I kept fucking up. Alright I usually dont swear on here but I felt like a total failure.
Then yesterday things escallated again and it wasnt pretty. Both girls were cowering in a corner because of the yelling matches going on and I felt so sorry for them. Then I was so upset I kept yelling at them for the smallest details. I dont know whats wrong. I felt like I was finally losing my mind. You know maybe I am in some ways. I finally asked Jeff after I calmed down enough to talk to him if it was possible that I was going though a nervous breakdown.
Maybe I am doing to much around the house with no time out of it with no money coming in. Also here is the kicker for you all. I was in the kitchen getting dinner ready and I realized I have no talents besides my crocheting. I have no abilities for anything. Also if I go back to work we lose a 1,000 dollars at tax time for him being the primary income provider.
I know that sounds like a lot of money but it is esp when you have to pay day care expenses too. Then who is going to home school Kora and Bri when its time. No real day care is going to school your child. Sure Jeff has an interview on Wednesday for the second job but I feel sorry for him taking on a second job. We are about to lose either our phone and internet or if we cant make our house payments our house. We have been here for 13 months and I dont want to lose my house. I love my space and what I can do with my space.
My life seems to be turning upside down right now. We are even going to put up the tree this year because there is not going to be anything under the tree from us to the girls. I know that sounds petty but we have not enough money this year. I dont remember the time we have been so low on cash. I am embarrassed to say this. There will be no lights up at our house or X-mas tree. We believe in X-mas just no money to fund it like we wanted to this year. Sure he gets a bonus check but that will be for catching up on late bills or else have somethign turned off. Then we wont have to worry about a thing. We cant live without heat or water or what not. I know it sounds terrible. But that is how things go every year and I wont go to get as an adopted family for the year. Jeff would kill me for one thing. Not literally of course but he doesnt like looking like a charity case.
I know he's called me today and nothing was mentioned of last night but I still wonder if he will come home tonight. That happens all the time after a good fight. No one was hurt besides feelings but still its not easy for a week or so after one of our fights. I have a hard time talking to him after one. I am not sure what will put him into another anger fit and then I will take all of my feelings I am feeling now and put them back up. Its not easy. But like you all said before marriage isnt easy. I know that and I appreciate all your advice. Well anyway I suppose I need to go do somethings and then get the girls some lunch. Take care...
Ps here guys and gals if you need a place to put some funding for a good cause please do so here. I will never ask again but if you feel you need to do please do it here and it will help my African children I am helping with for Pen Pals....
Richard M.Brodsky Aids Foundation
Its about me and my family. Mainly me and the girls. I may twitter or tweet alot but its mostly thoughts and going ons here at home and thoughts about what we might be doing on weekend or our adventures. Sit down and Enjoy what you are reading.