Its about me and my family. Mainly me and the girls. I may twitter or tweet alot but its mostly thoughts and going ons here at home and thoughts about what we might be doing on weekend or our adventures. Sit down and Enjoy what you are reading.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

I am Wallowing in Self Pity

Hi all. I have been wallowing my self pity over a stupid 15 year old I was.. My grandfather, Ken's dad is in the hospital and I have been wondering why I said what I said when I was 15. I feel bad for saying those things.Here is the story and you tell me if I am wrong for feeling the way I feel.

When I was 15 my parents and a family friend and her late husband decided to go out to Las Vegas and live. Well I didnt want to go and we went anyway. I was leaving my friends behind again for the umteenth time in several years. Well anyway we go out there and my grandfather is an acoholic on top of this. Well I did ok at first but as time went on I got sick of watching things in life going on.

My dad started drinking with his dad every day and getting drunk. So I started rebelling. I started dumping beer cans when I could get my hands on them and then running because I knew they were both to drunk to catch me.. I hated it out there. I just hated it. I had no friends to talk to and when school did start I met this one boy and then he disappeared on me.

Well we left my grandfathers place to try and get some money to get me and mom home but that didnt work to well. Our car broke down in this one city I dont remember what it was. So we ended up back at my grandfathers house. Family friends ended up leaving months before we left. But her husband passed away a few months after going home.. They said if he would have stayed in Vegas he would have lived a while longer..

Anyway we were getting ready to leave my grandfathers place and I was so sick of the beer and watching him and my dad drink every day I told him I wouldnt be back out there until his Funeral..

Well guess what?? He isnt gone yet but very close to it. I wish I could make things better. Ken tried and called him before leaving this morning and his own father didnt even know who he was.. My grandfather has two weeks to live and I have no way of saying goodbye to him. I have told Ken's other two kids and his daughter sent flowers with all three of our names on the card. I feel part of a family with two older sibblings.

I feel so bad. I was crying so hard the other day when my mom told me that I couldnt see the keyboard any longer when I was e-mailing Kendal and Kimberly. So I have been alone with my thoughts and my what if's and such if things could have been different with the man..

I wish I could go but I cant. I would have to have to take the girls with me or have my mom come and stay here. Neither are comforting right now. But I will let everyone know what is going on as I learn more information. I am a horrible person sometimes because this isnt the first person I tried hurting before they passed on.. I was a horrible spoiled child and wish I could take every bad word I said back.

Ok Ok I am gone again and I will keep you all posted and I will try to make rounds later on in the next few days.. I am sorry I have been away..


Vancouver Voyeur said...

You did what you believed was correct at the time. Correct me if I am wrong, but weren't your dad and grandfather the adults in this situation? Weren't you as a teenager showing more maturity in your disgust of their alcoholism? I wouldn't regret what you said or did. You said it out of love and frustration with them, trying anything to get them to change. You staying would not have changed anything, so don't let others make you feel guilty for not staying, saying grandpa would have lived longer if you stayed. It's not your responsibility as a child, to parent the adults in your life. They made their choices, which were bad choices. You made your choice out of self-preservation. I don't fault you for that.

Beej said...

Tweetey, bless your heart. I doubt there is a single person who hasnt said stuff at that age that they didnt live to regret. Im sure he even said hurtful things to folks when he was that age.

It ok tweetey and it's time to forgive yourself. Adolscence is never easy.

Gardenia said...

We've all done things as kids without thinking. Things were very hard for you at that time and you were doing the best you could - its hard on kids to move, and to live in the chaotic world of alcoholics. Perhaps part of your grieving now is a greiving for such an unfair childhood. We have no choice but to go on and do better with our own children . . . we can't change the past, just live today as joyfully and as well as we can. I pray that your heart heals and there is a resolution that you can feel good about. You are so right - your primary responsibility is to your daughters and your home now, you are right on track, though it is hard. You are a good person. Remember that!

Jeannie said...

Don't feel bad - at 15, we say all manner of things. I think at the time, you meant it and for just cause. Had he straightened himself out and made an effort to resume your relationship, you'd have gone back if you were able. As it stands, he likely doesn't even remember what you said. If he does, he doesn't hate you for it although he may hate himself for it. I think your grief stems from the realization that you will never have the relationship with your grandfather that we are "supposed" to have, but many of us never do. Don't fret. Try to remember something - anything - good about him if you have it then forgive him and forgive yourself. You aren't a bad person at all for what you said.

Vancouver Voyeur said...

Hey, congrats on the job. Thought I'd post here in case you don't get back to my blog right away. Great timing too before Christmas.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Don't beat yourself up over this. As others have said, znd I agree....You were young and in fact really had more smarts about what was happening than those so called "adults". I understand feeling bad---I've had those kinds of thoughts too, because of something I said a long time ago, and in one case, not such a long time before the person died...You did what was right at the time, and that's all one can do. Be kind to yourself, my dear. Forgive yourself. You really didn't do anything that was wrong.

Grizzly Mama said...

I agree with everyone else. I will expand on that and say that I don't think you did anything bad at all. I think that you were not taken care of as you should have been by the people who were the adults in the situation. The best that can be hoped for is that the man has made peace with himself over HIS mistakes. As for you, I think that you were hurt, and being honest about it in a way that you were able at the age of 15. Which by the way is a very difficult age for most kids especially girls even in the best of situations.

Turn it over to God, and do the best with your kids. That's my only advice, because that is all that I'm trying to do. It's regrettable that you can't go to the funeral, but I think in the grand scheme of things your wish to go will be what is important.

CA said...

At some time, we all wish we could take back something we have said to a loved one; or say something we didn't say,- and it hurts us terribly. But there is no calender for when our loved ones will pass away; no memo to inform us of the last chance we will have to say something nice to a dear one. We just have to wing it and hope for the best. And the hardest one in the world for us to forgive a perceived wrong, is ourselves. We will always be the ultimate judge who judges ourselves so we must judge, not harshly, but judge ourselves with compassion and understanding. When your heart is right, forgive yourself so you won't have to re-live a great pain over and over again. In his heart, I'm sure your grandfather forgave you long ago. Now, maybe it's time for you to honor him by forgiving yourself. Your friend, Jim

Vancouver Voyeur said...

I came back today to see if you had a new post up yet. How's the job going? Also, I just remembered an old saying that I remembered: "I'd rather regret the things I said and did, than regret not saying or doing anything." At least you were present and participating in your life and trying to make it better. I think you would have more regrets if you never said anything about their alcoholism. Then you'd be plaguing yourself with the "what ifs" in life. What if I could have helped them, stopped them, said something. I think torturing ones self with the "what ifs" is worse than regretting saying something.

Squirl said...

I was just catching up reading your posts. This one really caught me up. I agree with everyone else about your not beating yourself up for what happened. You were young, you were hurt, it's understandable.

I think the biggest job for you at this point is to truly forgive yourself. If you can do that then you'll be an even better person for everyone in your life. Go ahead, you're worth it. :-)