Deffinition of Fascist:
often Fascist An advocate or adherent of fascism.
A reactionary or dictatorial person.
But here is my definition of it really. I hope I dont miss use the word. Ok here is the kicker for the word. I cant find the definition in the Webster Dictionary. Yikes huh?? Well anyway there is a point to this banter of shit I have here. I have a lot on my mind today and I am going to start with some men I know in general ok. No men on my blog roll but people I know personnally. Ok... LOL..
Starting with whom I think is a total fascist is our Pastor. He is trying to Jeff that if we dont continue going to church we are going to Hell. Well guess what Jeff and I havent gone to church in over a month again now. And also according to that factor we were going to go anyway because we dont live the lives that these people live anyway. Always praying and doing something wrong and realizing that its wrong and trying to get the holy ghost. Yes I know we were both baptized but life has been even harder on both of us since then. I am not going to go into a religion thing again. We are both comfortable with how we dress to go and what not but also what pisses me off about people like Pastor Fraser is that when you are asked to do something either say yes or no. Well Pastors mother was sick and they werent sure when she was going to go and as I have mentioned before Laura is getting married on Saturday and she had me ask if Pastor would mind doing the Wedding. So I called him and asked him and he talked to her and told her to call his wife and they would set up a couple of times to meet and talk and such like marriage counsiling before the wedding. Well he kept coming up with reasons why he couldnt do it.
I just wish if you cant do something please tell a person up front please. I hate when a person Hem and Hahs about it. I have to admit I am no better sometimes but if I am not sure what we are doing I will do it till I figure it out but after I figure it out then I tell that person straight up what is going on. Well Pastors mother passed away Wednesday afternoon. She went into a coma and never woke up. Like I told Pastors daughter when she told me at least being in a coma she wasnt in as much pain as she was before the coma. Am I really that cold hearted or am I just to truthful with people??
Now on to other things in life. Jeff and I got into a huge fight on Friday night about something. I dont want to mention what exactly the fight was in case he reads this. Sometimes he goes in with me to check a video. Well anyway things got heated and he threatened to leave. Well of course I cant make him stay with me. So I started asking questions like if want to leave Why did you marry me and I may be slightly depressed. Call this what you want. I dont know anymore. I was feeling all weekend like a piss pore mother and other things. Nothing he said its just how I felt. I mean I can be hard on the girls but if they dont something and I am to hard and he questions me and then when they do, do something I an not hard enough and he questions me. I just dont get it. I felt like all weekend I kept fucking up. Alright I usually dont swear on here but I felt like a total failure.
Then yesterday things escallated again and it wasnt pretty. Both girls were cowering in a corner because of the yelling matches going on and I felt so sorry for them. Then I was so upset I kept yelling at them for the smallest details. I dont know whats wrong. I felt like I was finally losing my mind. You know maybe I am in some ways. I finally asked Jeff after I calmed down enough to talk to him if it was possible that I was going though a nervous breakdown.
Maybe I am doing to much around the house with no time out of it with no money coming in. Also here is the kicker for you all. I was in the kitchen getting dinner ready and I realized I have no talents besides my crocheting. I have no abilities for anything. Also if I go back to work we lose a 1,000 dollars at tax time for him being the primary income provider.
I know that sounds like a lot of money but it is esp when you have to pay day care expenses too. Then who is going to home school Kora and Bri when its time. No real day care is going to school your child. Sure Jeff has an interview on Wednesday for the second job but I feel sorry for him taking on a second job. We are about to lose either our phone and internet or if we cant make our house payments our house. We have been here for 13 months and I dont want to lose my house. I love my space and what I can do with my space.
My life seems to be turning upside down right now. We are even going to put up the tree this year because there is not going to be anything under the tree from us to the girls. I know that sounds petty but we have not enough money this year. I dont remember the time we have been so low on cash. I am embarrassed to say this. There will be no lights up at our house or X-mas tree. We believe in X-mas just no money to fund it like we wanted to this year. Sure he gets a bonus check but that will be for catching up on late bills or else have somethign turned off. Then we wont have to worry about a thing. We cant live without heat or water or what not. I know it sounds terrible. But that is how things go every year and I wont go to get as an adopted family for the year. Jeff would kill me for one thing. Not literally of course but he doesnt like looking like a charity case.
I know he's called me today and nothing was mentioned of last night but I still wonder if he will come home tonight. That happens all the time after a good fight. No one was hurt besides feelings but still its not easy for a week or so after one of our fights. I have a hard time talking to him after one. I am not sure what will put him into another anger fit and then I will take all of my feelings I am feeling now and put them back up. Its not easy. But like you all said before marriage isnt easy. I know that and I appreciate all your advice. Well anyway I suppose I need to go do somethings and then get the girls some lunch. Take care...
Ps here guys and gals if you need a place to put some funding for a good cause please do so here. I will never ask again but if you feel you need to do please do it here and it will help my African children I am helping with for Pen Pals....
Richard M.Brodsky Aids Foundation
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17 comments:
PUT THAT TREE UP!!
Christmas isn't about presents, it's the celebration of Christ's birth. You already own decorations, use them. Celebrate the fact that you're a loving caring family. Go to the library and get some books with Christmas stories to read to the girls. Watch the Christmas specials on TV. Make it a warm, cozy holiday season for your girls.
BTW, there WILL be gifts for the girls under the tree. I've already started getting a box ready to send. I'm also sure that your Mom and Ken will send gifts for the girls.
ALSO, Jesus NEVER said that you would go to hell if you didn't go to church! Jesus' rules were simple:"He who believes and is baptized, shall be saved". Keep believing and you'll go to heaven.
Hang in there; we love you!
Tshsmom its really rough right now to be happy this time of year. I will do it. Even if it makes me wonder why I do it sometimes. I know what you are talking about. I thank you very much and so do the girls even if they dont know it yet... My mom is looking at ebay for clothes for them this year.
One thing:
PUT THAT TREE UP!!
OOh Tweetey, i ma very sad reading your post today, don't worry about the fight, you're both very upset about the money, having not enough money is very depressing, i'm sure he will be back tonight, because he doesn't know where to go, because he loves you and the girls. What he could do without you? it's hard on him too, he knows that he has to work more and more. On your side, you do everything else, even home schooling which is a hard work.
Don't listen your pastor, this man is not near God, I am sorry to say, (but calling him a fascist isn't it a bit excessive? I was laughing out loud when reading that line!)
Hold on! have faith, enjoy Christmas coming, and listen to Tshsmom, she is right all the way.
Kitem its great having you back. Thanks guys for the support. I need all I can get right now. Its a rough time in our lives but we will manage.
Tweets, surviving times like this is what makes our marriages stronger. Trust me, we've been through a LOT of times like you guys are going through.
Oh Tweety - I feel for you! Do as tshsmom says and get the tree up anyway - crochet some scarves to go with the hats you made your girls! Get a couple little things for a few dollars and wrap them up - they don't need expensive gifts.
At this time of year many retailers need extra help - surely you could work a cash register! could you put a few hours in on the weekends while Jeff is home with the girls?
And don't you let ANYONE tell you that you're going to hell! That pastor is not God - but he does sound a bit like Hitler. He definitely wants too much control. Your faith is your relationship with God - not the church or the pastor. Breath easy on that score and find a new church.
And he should have given a firm yes or no to Laura. That's totally unprofessional. If he was uncertain because of his mother he should have recommended someone else.
Financial worries can put such a strain on a marriage. Just try to remember that you are a team.
Is there a flea market near you? Does someone there have a table of crocheting or knitting? Perhaps you could sell some items on consignment there?
You do have skills for the workforce - you can type - so you can do data entry at the very least. Don't sell yourself short! Look at your skills as a Mom and housewife and see how they translate to the workplace. You would be surprised. I used to feel much like you do and I was so wrong! So wrong - now that I am out there I realize what a great employee I would have been.
Take care Tweety - things can work out.
Tweety...you have several issues here in this one post...and I don't know where to begin.
It seems others have already covered a lot of what I would say anyways...
1) Fascism is like totalitarianism...and it means that people enforce a rigid set of rules and believe they are to represent. Actually, a pastor has no spiritual right to speak that way to anyone. I want you to pray for some guidance. Praying is free Tweety. I think maybe you and your husband need to discuss switiching to a different parish or church.
2) No matter what, keep the girls out of things . Yes, you've yelled...move on...but no more yelling or fights in front of the kids.
3) Put the tree up. Even makign a package of cookies for the girls each is a gift. Make them a small hat...or how about crochet them each a really cute purse...and incorporate some special old jewelry that you don't wear anymore...anything! A seashell! Hot glue something onto a little purse. And then leave them a quarter for good luck in each gift.
4) I know you didn't ask...but here goes. Find time to re-connect with your husband. Make a sexy date. Apologize for whatever fight you had. Be the first to becompassionate...you both got caught up...and you want to make some changes.
Money does not have to govern your stress levels.
Maybe you could sell some mitts that you have crocheted online? Make something tomoroorow rightaway and take pictures and put them on your blog!
Find a church that has a soup kitchen for the poor...volunteer with your girls and then you might also be able to get a meal.
Consider selling some odds and ends in a festive winter garage sale. Evena hundred bucks made one saturday morning would change things up for you.
Please keep us posted how you feel from reading these various comments...I am worried about you.
I have nutrition ideas and budget for you too but don't want to over load you!
BIG HUGS
Candy
Wow, kiddo, you have a lot of things going on.
If you can't put up a tree, put some branches in a bucket of sand, and get the girls to make some paper ornaments and bows. (One year I had a house plant decorated with sand dollars hanging with red ribbons!)
When they are little, its not such a big deal. They love the time from you more than the gifts in the long run. I agree with tshsmom - you can make a good Christmas for them with little things. (I've done it when being a single mom) - in fact one Christmas when we had nothing - we made things together and it was the best Christmas -
And as a grandparent or aunt I so treasure the handmade things & cards from the little ones more than anything!
Candy has good ideas too -
Also, I have been sort of worried about that Pastor all along - he should be helping and encouraging rather than bringing you guys down......God's love changes our hearts, not a set of rigid rules! And we don't have to work for it - God just loves us.
And you do have talents - you are an excellent writer, you are smart, you present things in an orderly clear manner, your needlework is beautiful and perfect, among others. I'm not sure your going back to work with small children is the best answer - as you said the expenses would probably eat up your check, then you wouldn't be home with them or be able to school them.
I'm not too good in the husband department, so I'll leave the advice on that to the others!
Who of us IS good in the husband department??! lol. Not me - we've almost made it to 20 years but I'm telling you at a certain time every month I am ready to walk out that door and divorce him. One of the hardest things for us is not to fight in front of the kids. We zip our lips and then talk the next day when we've calmed down. Sometimes one or the other of us will be zinging out of control with hollering and the other just has to stop. Just stop and it's the hardest thing to do sometimes. It's much easier to work things out when you're calmed down.
I agree about Christmas! Are you kidding? Those kids love anything you do. A couple things from the dollar store, something you've made for them, a new box of Crayons, a lollipop, and you're in business. We've been through some LEAN holidays where we could hardly buy those girls a thing. They didn't care one bit. Not one little bit. They were still excited, loved the lights and the baking and the snow (if it snowed instead of raining), loved the Christmas Carols. Relatives bought them all the good stuff. lol! Money problems send me over the edge every time - and we have had nothing but money problems for years on end at times. My mother confided recently that there were times she couldn't sleep for worry over where that $75 for the mortgage was going to come from. Did we - as kids - even notice it? No. We got our little homemade ice pops and danced through the sprinkler like we were the richest kids in the world. lol.
I agree about that church and pastor. He's a total dickhead. I've been to churches like that before and I just walk away to find one where I feel comfortable and accepted and loved.
I am SO sorry that this was so long. Take care, Tweetey. Hang in there. You're doing a beautiful job - and it is a job - taking care of your little family.
I dont know how to respond to everyone of you today so I am going to do this.Thanks and I appreciate the advice. I needed the pep talk from each and everyone of you. At least I am not crying when I read the comments. I know they arent to hurt me so I feel better today. I think why I was crying so hard yesterday with the comments is because the fight was still so raw. Anyway thanks again. I will do something for the girls for X-mas.
I agree with every comment left here so far, Tweetey. Put the tree up! The girls will always remember the Christmas when you didn't put the tree up, and it won't be a fond memory.
Being short on money causes more trouble between couples than anything else. Of course I don't know what you were arguing about, and it may not have been money, but with money problems you are both under a lot of stress, and it causes a lot of arguments, even arguments that don't have anything to do with money. Money really is at the root of all evil! You both need to try to remember why you were married in the first place.
Jeff's pastor is dead wrong and in my mind, he shouldn't be a pastor to anybody with that horrible attitude. You will not go to Hell for not going to church. I pray that you can both find a church that makes you feel loved and nurtured by not only the pastor or priest or whatever, but by the congregation as well. I also pray that you and Jeff will calm down and sit down and discuss your problems calmly, and not in front of the kids. Parents yelling at each other scares children half to death. I know... I suffered through enough of that as a child. Also... take it easy on yourself. What's wrong with having a talent for Crocheting? It's an art that is going to be lost one day if people like you and I don't keep it up. It's also very calming and good for the soul. Be proud of your work. Not everyone can do it. Neither are you a bad mother... you're simply confused. We all get confused from time to time, so please don't be so hard on yourself, and remember your worth. Parenting is far too underated in this country. Especially mothering! As a mother you are a mentor, a nurse, and a teacher, especially since you are homeschooling. Oh, and a cook! So.... you are a mentor, a nurse, a teacher, a cook and you can crochet! Sheesh! What more do you want? :)
Thanks Gayle. I am going to post some of my work today like Some one told me. I dont remember if it was Candy or not. but in a bit I will have some of my work posted. I dont know what she has planned but she told me to post some of my work.
Being a mother is the most important job in the country! Any country!
When we went to Bible school, I wanted to go on in a full time ministry so bad I couldn't stand it - then one day God had a pretty good talk with me - and told me essentially that my MOST important ministry was to my children.
Sorry you cried reading these at some point - but one thing I have appreciated about my blog friends - is their motives are 99% of the time to bless us (forget the stalkers!).
Luv you, and take care of yourself and your precious family - and may peace rest gently in your home.
Gardenia thank you. I have cried and I am just releasing stress the way I know how. Sometimes I sit and cry for no reason. Maybe its just getting to that time in my life or what but I do. Then I cry for days after a fight with Hubby. But it feels good to talk about it here and release some of whats on my mind here.
Hey Tweetey - how about getting a table at a flea market? I just got a job at a flea market working a few hours a week. The people who own the stand know that we're homeschooling (they homeschooled their kids for years) and are very supportive. Many of the Amish and Mennonites have their kids there helping at their stands and I had to have the girls with me for an hour the other week. They loved it and you could very easily bring the girls and have school work for them to do.
PS - some of the best memories that my girls have of Christmas didn't cost a penny. The little one loves sitting around the tree and singing Christmas songs.
All our flea markets are closed this time of year.. Its too cold. usually from June throught Oct we have ours here. But thanks for the idea.
Oh jeez, i`ve missed so much. I just read this post. tweets, if you need to chat, email me okay?
Hopefully all is better now. How are you and Jeff now?
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